I find myself walking a very precarious line which I never intended to walk again, because it is a guaranteed loser, and I don't like to lose, I don't like to have my feelings hurt, once, much less over and over again, and I don't like living under the shadow of incorrect perceptions on the part of others, especially those I care about deeply.

I try very hard to be a good and sincere person. That's the "golden rule" . Treat others as you'd like to be treated yourself. Simple...So how in the hell did it get so distorted, twisted and fucked-up? I think that it's even possibly, at least partially, my own fault. As I've learned and re-learned, ( far too many times), I should, without exception, listen to my gut instincts. All my life that has been the greatest wrong I've done to myself...Those times when I failed to listen to my own instincts, and ran headlong into the "reasons why"...

And this time, they backed up on me and, psychologically speaking, almost choked me to death over the last two years. And every damn time I think I've endured and almost outlasted the effects of my stupidity, and start to relax a bit, here they come, around hard to slap me square in my unprotected ass one more time.

I sincerely do try hard to treat others with respect and dignity, and to always be truthful and sincere and compassionate, and to give all I possibly can to make life better for those I love and care deeply for. I try hard to go just that extra distance for those I love, be they friends or relatives...

But here lately, it seems that no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I give, it's never quite enough to earn their love, and respect and gratitude, and the burden of feeling that I'm never quite enough, never quite good enough, that I haven't given quite enough, or tried quite hard enough, is becoming a near intolerable burden on my self-respect and my self-image. The inescapable feeling that everyone around me that I love or care about, seems to think that my feelings don't matter...That no matter how much of myself I give, I can be pushed to give just a bit more...Well, it's starting to choke me again. And, not the least distubing part of it is, that the list of those I care about and try hard to make life better for is a much smaller list than it's ever been before...

And then there's Staci. I love her so much. She jumps right up and helps me whenever I get up to do something around here. She listens to what I have to say. She shows me so much love and respect and genuine concern...If it wasn't for her, I think I'd have just given up already on the rest of it. She's an absolute gift from God. And yet, my emotions and feelings are all mixed up regarding her too. In part, I see her as my child. The sweet and loving one...And yet, in a very real sense, I find myself truly falling in love with her. I ache so damn badly to hold her in my arms...To hug her up close and tell her that I love her with all my heart and soul. To sweep her up into my arms and carry her into my bedroom and make sweet, hot love to her for the rest of all time. To just lie there and hold her close to my heart. God! To just hold her close to me would be the sweetest thing I can imagine in life! Damnit! As I get older, it seems that I just feel more in doubt about what I should do, instead of the "older and wiser" thing I've always been told would happen.

Hell, I don't know what to do. But the only one I feel I can talk to about any of this is Staci... Truthfully, she's the only one I feel would give a damn one way or another what I think or how I feel, or why...

             Ed Lane/songman52   August 2005

AS I WALK QUIETLY INTO THE ROOM, AND STOP JUST BEHIND HER, I WATCH IN SILENCE AS SHE WASHES DISHES. IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE HOW ANYONE CAN LOOK SO LOVELY WHILE DOING SOMETHING SO MUNDANE, AND YET, SHE ALMOST TAKES MY BREATH AWAY. THE GENTLE CURVE OF HER NECK AS IT SOFTLY FLOWS INTO HER SHOULDER, WHERE HER LONG FLOWING HAIR CASCADES ON DOWN TO THE MIDDLE OF HER TINY BACK. GOD! HOW I WANT TO LEAN OVER AND TENDERLY KISS HER NECK, SOFTLY AND SLOWLY, UP TO THE BACK OF HER EAR, AND GENTLY NIBBLE AT THE LOBE, LETTING MY HOT BREATH FLOW UNDER HER EAR AND DOWN ACROSS HER NECK. DAMNIT! STOP THAT, YOU OLD FOOL! PULL YOUR ASS TOGETHER AND GET A GRIP!

BUT, HOW DO YOU STOP FEELING A FEELING YOU'RE FEELING? I CAN'T DENY THE VALIDITY OF THESE FEELINGS I HAVE...HOW THEN DO I FIND THE ABILITY TO KEEP MYSELF FROM SHOWING MY FEELINGS, WHICH COULD MAKE HER UNCOMFORTABLE, AND STILL BE SINCERE AND HONEST IN THIS RELATIONSHIP WITH A WOMAN I'VE KNOWN AND GENUINELY LOVED ON SOME LEVEL FOR SO LONG? THE LAST THING I WISH TO DO IS CAUSE HER TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND ME. I DON'T EVER WANT HER TO AVOID ME, OR STOP COMING TO SEE ME ANYTIME SHE WANTS OR NEEDS TO. IT FEELS WONDERFUL TO KNOW THAT SOMEONE YOU LOVE, LOVES AND TRUSTS YOU ENOUGH TO LEAVE HER TREASURED POSSESSIONS IN YOUR CARE. TO KNOW THAT SHE TRUSTS YOU AND FEELS SAFE ENOUGH TO COME TO YOU WHEN SHE NEEDS A BREAK FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD, OR FEELS THREATENED BY SOMEONE OR SOMETHING OUT THERE.

LORD! I NEVER EXPECTED TO HAVE THESE FEELINGS...BUT SURE AS HELL, THERE THEY ARE.

HOW DO I LIE HERE, WANTING NOTHING ON EARTH MORE THAN TO JUST REACH OUT AND HOLD HER CLOSE TO ME. TO FEEL HER HEAD ON MY SHOULDER, HER HAIR ON MY CHEST TO FEEL HER SNUGGLE UP CLOSE BESIDE ME. THE SMELL OF HER HAIR...THE TOUCH OF HER HAND. THE SWEETNESS OF HER BREATH, AS OUR LIPS TENDERLY MEET...STOP THAT!!! OH, GOD! HOW DO I JUST BE MYSELF? BE NATURAL AND AT-EASE AROUND HER, IF I'M HIDING PART OF MYSELF...HOW I FEEL TOWARDS AND ABOUT HER? IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE TO DO SO? AND YET, HOW CAN I LET MY UNEXPECTED FELLINGS RISK CAUSING A "DISTANCE" TO FORM BETWEEN US? RISK LETTING THEM HARM THE LOVE AND TRUST BETWEEN US WHICH I'VE TREASURED FOR SUCH A LONG TIME?

HELP ME LORD...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO...HELL, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT NOT TO DO...PART OF ME SAYS DON'T TAKE THE CHANCE! BUT ANOTHER PART OF ME SAYS JUST LET NATURE TAKE IT'S OWN COURSE, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN WILL HAPPEN ANYWAY, AND THEN YOU'LL RISK HAVING TO LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE NEVER KNOWING IF YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE...OH, WHAT TO DO...WHAT TO DO?                                     

                      Ed Lane/songman52 2005